forgotten_aria

Had another person tell me I looked thinner when I know I haven't changed in either weight or dimension (buying/making costumes makes you measure your body often.)

Most of the time I think it's just that I look happier, have better posture and am wearing different clothing.

And no, I don't think it's a compliment. It mostly implies that people find my weight unlikable.

Reminder: your body size is the least interesting thing about you and says nothing about your work ethic, self-control, or morality. long term weight loss is almost impossible to achieve so if you've lost weight and gained it back, you are normal and you haven't failed. thinner != healthier. you don't owe anyone health and most health issues are out of your control and being unhealthy is not a moral failing.

My cricut certainly isn't the most economical way to make things, but I have used it a fair amount and it is super fun. My most recent was this shirt, which also caused me to finally at least dabble with artscape. I really don't want to spend $100 on a heat press for my shirts, but it is proving to be very hard to get good results with an iron, though I'm getting by.

( shirt )

I got to be an examiner for the black belt test again. Everyone, including me, was much less prepared, but I was also much more relaxed, since I had done it before. My suit pants were a little tight for what I had to do during the test, so I went to K&G and lucked out and got two pantsuits from the clearance rack, one for $22, one for $30. Both jackets aren't quite right for the context, but the $22 looks so awesome on me and both pairs of pants are roomy enough to allow me to squat, so now I at least have a choice for May if I'm a tester then. Plus they are both machine washable suits! I need to price out getting the old pants dry cleaned or decided if I'm hand washing them. Last year I bought boys dress shoes just in case I ever wanted to wear the suit as a Loki suit and they came in handy, since my fancy dress boots were both peeling AND didn't quite fit anymore (might have fit with stocking socks instead of sock socks.)

It was very reassuring that K&G had suits that were WAY too big for me. I was worried I had maxed out their size selection (since the pants I owned were the biggest they had in that style when I bought them,) but apparently only in the brand of my existing suit (which I'm not sure they even carry that brand any more. Being able to shop in a store, especially for formal wear, is a privilege.

I did a parkour class with Beth yesterday. First I want to say that Parkour Generations Boston had a very well run class.

I was very glad I was already strong for the warm up. The backwards bear crawls killed me, however. When I struggled to complete it, people from the group came to "support" me which in the past would have made me feel embarrassed especially with a group of strangers, but it didn't phase me at all. But thank goodness I'm so comfortable on my hands.

We did a move where you grab a rail kind of half upside down and then move your feet over it. (I forget the name.) We practiced it for a bit on the ground, then did it at about 8ft. My fear of heights made me pause for a bit, but other than that, I did pretty well. I was being super heavy with my grip, however, since I didn't 100% trust myself. Anything that involved trying to get a grip with my toes didn't work so well, which might have been my shoes or just might have been my body position.

We moved to some cat hangs, which I didn't 100% fail at. Though they did rip my callouses.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

We ended with some physical conditionally laps over a set of stairs and a block, which I was already out of energy for, so I did my best.

Parkour is not for me, which is likely good, since I'm already struggling to balance Taekwondo, Crossfit, and circus-y things. It was an interesting and well run class, however, and i'm super glad I did it.

I gave up on dieting a while ago, but in the last few years I've been really focusing on unlearning diet culture. We are saturated by being told that we are bad for eating certain things. Things are marketed as "guilt free" and products will proudly tell you what they don't have, even if they never would have had it in the first place. Example, a pure sugar product proudly announcing "fat-free!" While I do believe that eating too much of one thing will leave you short of many things your body needs, and that I personally do much better on lots of protein (I wish I had known that earlier) so I'm not against adjusting what one eats for your own personal needs and health. But I do think labeling foods as "bad" and "good" does more harm than good. Food is more than calories, food is more than building blocks. Food is mentally stimulating. Food is social, cultural, and nostalgic.

What I've been doing lately is really trying to listen to what my body wants and needs. This wasn't easy at first, partly because dieting had made my body just desperate for things that would not make me feel my best. I was hungry all the time too. That hunger was often unhelpful in communicating what I wanted/needed.

Now that it's been a few years where I am actively telling myself it's ok the eat things that our society says are "bad" if that's what I really, truly want, I have a much better relationship with food, with hunger, and in generally have been craving calorically dense, but otherwise nutritionally light foods a whole lot less. My body is also getting better at telling me "oh you need more protein this meal," or, "you really need some complex carb," or even "alert! sugar now!" Most importantly I am not hungry all the time and food doesn't dominate my thoughts. Things aren't perfect yet, but this feels a lot better than when I was restricting. I am not formally following intuitive eating, but I think this falls close to what it is.

The most important thing is I am no longer at war with my body. I experienced a lot of harm from treating what I ate and exercise as consequences of being fat. I hated being hungry all the time, since I was still fat AND hungry, so clearly my body was the enemy. Exercise was about shrinking, not about health, so I would push through pain, safety, how I was feeling, and feel bad if I didn't "keep up" with my thinner counterparts, because clearly it wasn't that they had less weight to move around, it was that I wasn't thin because I wasn't doing what they did. Hating your body is so damaging psychologically too.

The more I look into studies, the more it seems that restriction (other than for allergies or sensitivities) actually makes things worse in the long run. A lot of more modern nutritionists suggest adding things to your diet that you think you might be missing, rather than restricting "bad" things.

As a side note, a few of the nutritionists/dietitians I follow point out that the diet industry is also racist, since it will often treat almost equivalent foods differently depending on their roots. If you are interested in this side of things, check out https://www.instagram.com/theblacknutritionist/ and https://www.instagram.com/fit.flexible.fluid/ and I'm sure a whole bunch others.

Anyway, this post came about because this week I've been skipping a lot of my physical activities because of both my booster and the physical effects of the stress and sadness of Iz passing and my body seems to have very quickly compensated by reducing my hunger response to match the reduced activity and it feels really nice to have my body adjusting correctly rather than being in "famine panic mode" and just generally with a messed up relationship with food.

I really should journal more. I went back and read a post about when we picked up Nate and Isabell and it wasn't quite how I remembered. FB kind of sapped that away from me, and then 2020 sapped even doing FB posts or really talking about myself on social media other than as a specific purpose.

It's also true that my life was slightly more interesting then. Or at least past-me thought it was.

Cyr wheel!

I looked around a bunch of places for a cyr wheel. Phil never replied to my email. Most of the US made ones were ~$800-1000. The Canadian manufacturer was just as extensive. I was almost ready to order an aluminum one from Poland when the Ukrainian guy made a social media post about his new design of an LED aerial cube and posted pictures. I took that as confirmation that not only was he still being able to work, but he was being able to innovate. I thought it was worth taking a chance and making an order with him. Also, I'm sure Ukrainian businesses, even the ones not in the war zone, are hurting right now because of the chaos.

It took less than a month for him to make it (they are made to your height+4") and ship it. Etsy had the wrong tracking service and by the time I got the right number from the maker, it had passed through customs with no issue and I didn't have to pay any unexpected tariff on it. I decided on clear PVC so the stainless steel could show through, and I'm so happy with it. It seems really well made and he even labeled which joiner goes with which joint, sent extra screws and the right alan wrench.

( picture of the peices )

I love it so much, but it's daunting to know I'll be mostly learning alone. I figure there is a ton of stuff I can work on, like spins, waltz, manipulations, and just getting a feel for the mechanics of it. If/when I get decent enough at that, I'll either seek out a private lesson for some of the more risky stuff, or try to get into an esh class for a session.

I got some discount vinyl flooring, the kind that comes on a 12ft long roll, to put it on my driveway so I don't wear out the PVC too quickly. This seems to mostly work. Once I get better control, I likely can practice indoors during the winter.

I'm having my big purchase anxiety. I'm betting on myself to stay focused on this enough to get good. I think there is a good chance I will, but I do know I lose focus on things when the next shiny comes along. I think it's also especially triggering my anxiety because the aerial rig is only a few months old and I've only used it a few times (partly because of weather.) I figure once I get my waltz, I will have a nice solid go-to to keep me at it.

That being said, I know enough circus people I might find a seller if I do lose interest.

I made a new IG for my lyra, cyr, hammock, etc. since my main IG is about variety. [Bad username or site: flying @ aria] I'm not perfectly happy with the name, but it was most important to get the account up and running than find the perfect name. Any suggestions?

( picture )

For a few years now, I wanted to make a back yard thing that would be a combination of rig to hang aerial stuff from, bars to practice CrossFit gymnastics moves on, monkey bars, a place to mount my slack line, a place to practice rope climb, etc.

The price of wood has gone up dramatically. Originally I waned to build it out of cedar since it's nicer if you get a splinter and also modern pressure treated wood isn't as weather resistant. I delayed because I wasn't happy with my design or how much it would cost.

For this march I decided that I needed to simplify or it would never get done and under the excuse that it was a "birthmonth" present, spend the money. I bought some giant swing set metal brackets that take a 4x6 cross beam and 4x4 legs. I got 12ft legs. I've already posted about cracking my windshield while transporting them. The cost was $70 for the brackets, $178 for the wood. There are some metal aerial frames that are a little shorter than what I got for $400 and I wouldn't have cracked my windsheild. I'm still not sure what I would do if I had all the knowledge I do now.

Assembling it was a bit of a trick, given the length of the legs, but with G's help we got it together. We could not, however, get it upright. We could get it above our heads, but not walk it up. I took a chance and asked my CrossFit gym. Four wonderful people came and it was up with no issue at all.

I'm waiting to finish painting it after the wood has had a chance to weather a little and dry out. I'm trying to decide if I should just paint it blue, or if I should add clouds. The rig is solid in the direction that most people would use a swing, but it creaks a little in the other direction. I will likely install some corner supports, but for right now, I plan to hang and spin more than swing.

Eventually I hope to try to add on the other features some how. I can be used for rope climb practice as is, but I might get a beiner friendly rope.

In particular there is no place near me teach aerial hammock which is much more accessible than silks for someone who is still working on their grip strength and pull up strength, so I wanted a place I could try some of the basic tricks.

( cut for pictures )

Boring post, mostly for my own records.

My closet light stopped working at the start of the week. I bought a replacement LED bulb (it was an old florescent tube. It stopped working again. I put the tube in G's closet, it came half on. Best theory is the ballast was going and had damaged the new bulb (we tried all the old bulbs in various locations to try to make sure of this. I decided I had to replace it. Turns out hard wired (as apposed to plug in) 3ft long fixtures are rare and all long fixtures are either kind of costly or dim. I bought a 2ft one, but when I got the old one off the wall, found out there were TWO giant holes where the wires from the switch were coming in right at the edge of the 3ft. So I had to decided what to do. I tried several positions with the 2ft and decided I had to get something else. I ended up with a 12" square, installing a junction box (I bought the wrong kind, so I had to cut off the tabs) in the holes (why wasn't this done in the first place?) and centering the light on the hole (which puts it off to one side, but the square looks fine like that.) I finished installing it Saturday. I try to avoid electrical work, but I felt comfortable doing this job.

This delayed me getting the wood for my birthday present to myself. So today I went and got it Sunday. First I was annoyed that the 16ft long posts were $3 cheaper than the 12ft, but they couldn't cut them and my car couldn't take them. Turns out that my car can take a 12ft 2x4, but not a 4x4 and not a whole stack of them. As I was trying to get them all in I ended up cracking my front windshield. I ended up ratchet strapping the door slightly ajar and taking the back roads home, window down to make sure I wasn't sucking exhaust.

Tomorrow I'll have to find a windshield repair place to come look at it, but since the crack is on the inside, I'm a little worried they won't know how to do it right.

I'm feeling like my project is a little cursed.

I've been avoiding competition, because in general it just reminds me how much I don't stack up and really I need to focus on me vs me, but my CrossFit gym has this whole big theme night, and lights and music, and just kind of a party, so I figured, ok.

The first workout (22.1) I went alone in my "heat" and last (because snow had pushed it to Saturday morning and I wasn't going to get up any earlier than I had to. There are three levels and I did the middle one. I did what I usually did, but for whatever reason everyone thought I did amazing. Even the coach gave me a bonus point for my "performance." I will say it was huge that I had every eye in the house watching me workout and it didn't phase me at all.

The second workout I decided to do level 2 again because I thought it would be better to focus on sustaining a level of keeping moving, not have to worry about tripping over the barbell, and I had to go to TKD afterwards, so I thought while I could do 155lb dead lifts in a workout, it might be not wise. All in all, 22.2 was "ok," except that I rolled my ankle on the last jump because I was rushing (I did the level where stepping over was ok, but I jumped because it was the end.) The ankle healed fairly quickly, thank goodness. My camera caught the moment and it was worse to look at than it felt.

22.3 was announced and everyone was commenting on how hard it was. I ended up doing the lowest level and I didn't even complete all the movements. It was exactly the reason I didn't like the compete. For other people, competition brings out the best in them. The coaches, who cultivate optimism, encouraged people to get their first pull up or alike. But I'm fighting hard to do all the things I do all the time. (Not saying I push 100% all the time, since that would be unhealthy.) I am rarely surprised at my ability to do something and more often shocked in a bad way when something I thought I could do, I couldn't. I was humbled and I honestly need the opposite of humility when it comes to physical things.

It was frustrating because the lowest level was supposed to be "accessible" to more people, I feel like they failed at that. Sure make Rx and scaled hard, but leave fundamentals in a place where people who could do the first two workouts didn't feel like they had to skip the last one.

I also really hate how the open is scored. If you work hard at a workout for 12 full minutes at level 2, you are scored below someone who did one rep of one movement of the top level. I likely could have done the workouts at Rx level and gotten 2-31 reps, ~42 reps, and done 22.3 scaled (2nd level) at 84 reps and scored much much higher than I did.

I was 108,567/115,291 (of "women" who entered at least one score) and 8014/8828 of "women 45-49."

Will I do it again? Not sure. Maybe if the gym gets a kick back from the entry fee, but otherwise, I think it's still not healthy for me to compete.