forgotten_aria: (nicki window)
I didn't make testing this belt, which I think was because I had a brain-o when reviewing my first stripe stuff, but my master doesn't give that great feed back unless you ask, so I don't know for sure.

Here's the thing though, getting my next belt doesn't really mean much, except I get to learn some new things and I get to being a black belt sooner (possibly a year sooner, depending on how timing works out.) But I'm not doing TKD for the belts. I'm doing it to get exercise in a fun way that has enough structure that I feel like I'm learning something while working out. Part of what I want is to be a better person and part of that is to learn patience.

So is this the way to learn patience and resilience to disappointment?? To watch as my brain chemistry exerts more control over my own brain than the logic that I don't really gain anything from eventually being a black belt? No amount of logic said both internally and out loud would reduce the feeling of disappointment and failure.

I was raised very goal oriented, and I know this is not something that is good for my mental health, so in theory having a disappointment which is an almost empty goal should be a good practice element, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

To confuse matters worse, my bad moods seem to be a delayed reaction to (relatively mild) stress. I'm not sure how to heal to be able to handle a "normal" amount of stress. Add into that, my stress made me tactless which made me more stressed, which made me not get enough sleep.

So now I'm fighting the feelings I get when depressed. That I'm useless and unwanted and desperately want to belong and be a part of something.

Which is sad, because I had some of the best fue noodling I've ever had during a gig today and I wish I could savor that accomplishment.

something

Sep. 26th, 2015 03:12 pm
forgotten_aria: (nicki window)
I'm stuck in TKD which isn't bad in theory, but it's feeding into my "I'm not good at anything" script.

I don't know how to fail without beating myself up. I need to learn to fail better, but I fear I am too old to do that. That that's something you can only learn when you are 6.

I'd like to find something that I am both good at, that I want to do and that other people want me to do. But I think more importantly I want to find a way to live with myself.
forgotten_aria: (unhappy kobun)
I have been having a disturbing trend. I seem complete incapable of healthily dealing with stress. Not only does it usually trigger my depression, but I've also been having stress induced aphasia. It's very frustrating too, because even I think I must be faking, but I can't stop. Then, like a switch, it just ends and I can speak complete sentences again with no issues.

I don't know if I should seek out a therapist again (my previous encounters ~8-12 years ago were not terribly fruitful.)

Mostly I can ignore the problem because my life is mostly unstressful, but I feel like stress is an inevitable part of life, so I'd like to help the issue if I can.
forgotten_aria: (lost)
I realize that talking about mental health in "public" as the Internet is, isn't very accepted, but I don't think that's the way it should be. So here's today's relation.

I've had enough happy days over the past few years, that now that my depression is returning more often, I have a very different perspective. Today I could see exactly how I was preventing myself from enjoying the day. That isn't to say I could stop it, but I could see exactly how my own brain chemistry was coloring everything else and I know that missed being able to shed the despair and anger and just enjoy the people and the day.

I can now understand what it must be like to be around me when I'm like that, since there was a part of my brain basically being brought down by my own mood and I kind of felt bad at the rain cloud I was on such a happy day.

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