forgotten_aria

I'm going to put this at the top, in case no one reads to the bottom. If you have any recommendations for a career or life counselled who can work with someone only looking for part-time work, please let me know.

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2015 was a lot of dead ends. I'm hoping 2016 is less so. The problem is that I seem to have a huge disconnect between what I want to be doing and what I do well and I don't seem to be one of those people who can just put the time in and get "good enough" and when I'm lucky enough to find something I'm half-way decent at, life sometimes pulls the rug out from under me (taiko and injury/competition/racial issues.)

So I'm trying to figure out what I can do well (which will make me feel accomplished) but is also something I want to and has a less of a chance of being denied if I do get good. (Something I can do as I age, something that doesn't require you to be the best in a large pool of people.)

My art isn't really good enough and fighting with the art world is going to be more frustration than success.

I REALLY REALLY want to perform, but as I found out, I'm not cut out for being a solo performer and I'm not good enough to find myself a group. I don't really want to pour my energies into School of Honk, awesome as it is, because i'm really enjoying having something that is something I only do when I feel like doing it. I feel I got too hurt by how much of my love I poured into ONE only to have it crumble below me.

I think the safe bet is to go back to what I'm trained for, programming, but I am so afraid I will put months or years into a project and then have no one show interest. My experiences on youtube have shown me that what I think is good, other people don't. I made a video I thought was musically and visually interesting, but it only has 11 views, were as my little video where I make some horrible noises with my electric cello has over 2500 views.

If I could get a community going (or join one, somehow) on youtube, I think I would enjoying making videos for (even a small) audience. But making them into the void... well I can continue to do that and likely will, but I don't think it's going to end up being anything, especially since I have trouble talking into the camera.

I WANT to correct the mistakes of my past. I've always been too spread out, not patient enough and too worried about it being "good enough" and getting frustrated. But I kind of want to know that I'm not betting on a lame horse, and knowing me, I have many many lame horses.

I kind of wish I really loved the harp. I do feel like I made a lot of progress on it when I was committed and I think that being a gigging harpist would be fun and doable (if I can get over the solo artist issue.) But it's just so... delicate and I've never been a fan of pretty in a delicate way.

I've been wanting to post about this for a very long time, but wasn't quite sure what to say about it. Retroactively at the start of this year am officially an independent contractor for Odaiko New England as an instructor and YA cast. I've been teaching classes since last year, but the YA cast is new. Young Audiences (YA) is a program that brings arts programs to public schools. What this means is that I travel around new england and perform for school children on a regular basis. I love this, though it's surprisingly tiring.

Taiko has always been a weird chapter in my life. I look back at all my entries and it has always been this thing that I care deeply about, that love doing, but also something that has always never been quiet what I expect it to be. It has definitely made me a better person, but I think that long winding road that got me here is why I wasn't sure what I wanted to say about this. I think I learned a few years back that I should love the now of taiko, and not worry to much about the future, because if I do, then I get caught up in pressuring myself to be something I'm not sure I can be, instead of just doing the best I can now and seeing where the road goes.

So is this cool? Definitely. But I will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

I just finished my orientation for the Cirque job. I really like the lady from Cirque. She's trying to make it fun but clear about what our job is. It seems suprisingly relaxed about days off and I do get one ticket to see the show! Yay! It's seems like a good blanace of professionalism and relaxed atmosphere.

I'm really excited.