forgotten_aria

I figured I should document this here.

My back is still giving me trouble, but I've been going back to crossfit. I've been doing lower weight and avoiding a handful of movements a few of which are kind of common.

I've lost a lot of progress. My cardio is non-existent and I can no longer kick up into a handstand. I'm frustrated by my body's ability to lose months of progress in weeks of time.

I have to decided how I want to re-up my crossfit membership. The price differentials are huge! $25 per session for drop in or $17 per session even if I only average twice a week for a year commitment. (I would like to attend more than that, if my body allows.)

I was so enjoying being able to do things I couldn't before, but it's so frustrating to be fighting so many factors. I hate being the slowest, the weakest, the worst. I am also sick of motivational phrases like "you can do anything you put your mind to" and "How they seem to consistently be on track to achieve their goals?
It’s because they WORK at it…. Every. Single. Day." And they have a body that LETS them do that.

I tried going to crossfit today, even though my back wasn't 100%. I took it easy (I only did 45lbs on my cleans, when I often do ~80.) I switched to strict presses for the WOD. My back is warning me and I'll find out tomorrow if it was a good idea or not.

It hit ALL of my fat/woman baggage however. "Don't look lazy, don't look weak," my brain was screaming at me. It took most of my will power to not pick the bar up and do more. To not add more weight. I was on the edge of tears as I fought against this programming. I think I did a good job, though, of listening to my body, at least I hope I did.

Despite my bad back, I went to the silks class some old taiko friends had arranged. I was able to do almost everything I would be able to do normally, despite the back. This teacher was SO MUCH better than the last one. Not only was she able to teach to everyone's different limitations, but she clearly explained the mechanics. I still couldn't do a basic climb, but I did better this time and understood it a bit better. I still can't bend to use my hand for the foot lock, so I think I will have to practice the foot with my other foot sometime. We also did trapeze and sling. Because of my back, I couldn't mount the trapeze (or feel the pressure on my knees, which I would have liked to have that data point since I am considering lyra classes.) I loved sling. I've been watching a larger woman doing sling on youtube, and it seems a lot more within reach of what I can do right now. Sadly this place is 30 minutes away, and with TKD already requiring a commute, I'm not willing to add another one (plus Esh is about 30 minutes as well.)

I had a lot of fun, was amazed at what I was able to do with the messed up back, but paid for it yesterday pretty hard.

We were demoing the walls in the basement, because our contactors agreed to help us take away the debris. It was day two, and G's back, which has been bad for years, had already had enough, so I was doing almost all of the lifting and carrying. To leave, you have to duck under the back porch. While caring something, this is very unhealthy and on one of the trips my back gave out on me. Now the pain wasn't so bad, but I knew that G had hurt his back helping someone move and that with backs it only takes a moment and everything can change, so I started to cry, not from the pain, but from the thought that in that one instant I might have lost my ability to do taiko. G was super supportive, making me stop and go back up stairs and stretch the best I could. While reaching for the knob to the door at the to top of the stairs my back gave me a shot of pain all through my body, and that actually hurt a whole lot.

I stretched, slowly. And have since showered with out much pain, but a whole lot of tenderness. It feels very musclature, which is good, since muscles heal much better than the spine. I think I'm going to be ok, but only tomorrow will tell. G says we'll pay people to finish, but I feel a little back about paying someone else to destroy their back, but then they have those lifting belts, training and lots of friends.

If any of my taiko buds read this, discourage me from lifting heavy drums for at least a week, please.

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June 2025

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