Identity

[forgotten_aria]

The person I see in the mirror is not "me" and has never been "me." It feels like a projection that just follows my movement. Even little things, like the distance between my eyes. It took me years to be able to stand a photo of myself unless it was on stage or in a costume for the same reason. I cannot tell you why it's not me, however. I could not tell you what I expect to see there.

This is likely why I've never found comfort in groups defined by physical things I cannot change. For example, Women's only spaces feel hostile to me. (EDIT: not their existence, I understand why they might be an important place for other people.)

I have found some comfort in spaces defined by experiences.

Comments

[jadia]

Do you feel differently about women-only spaces, or male only spaces? Or spaces where it's not explicit but is predominantly male?

[forgotten_aria]

I'm of course not welcome in designated male-only spaces, so I would of course be uncomfortable there. I am not uncomfortable in spaces that don't have a restriction but happen to end up with a single gender other than myself unless people change their behavior because of it. I do get uncomfortable if that happens (if people do things they wouldn't do if things were more balanced.) I also seem to be bothered by being lumped into a group addressed as "ladies." Not sure why. I sometimes don't even notice when I am the only female in the room and I'm usually not bothered if I am (except as the above.) I'm also not bothered by being lumped as a "woman" in the context of CrossFit (workouts are sometimes different for women and the score boards are different) because I view that more as a guess on how much my testosterone my body produces, rather than a social construct.

And I'm of course bothered by sexism. "Oh look, a girl gamer," and such. I also had a big chip on my shoulder that I wasn't better at DDR because the boys were convinced women couldn't be good at DDR and I knew it was just a bell curve thing (there was just a much smaller pool of women) and I just wished I could be good enough to prove them wrong.

[jadia]

Oh god i hate the term "ladies". It sounds sexist to me.

[forgotten_aria]

And to be clear, I don't find the existence of such spaces hostile. I understand why some people want and need them. I don't personally feel comfortable in them.