Thoughts about now

[forgotten_aria]

I haven't been dealing great with now, which is weird, since my life hasn't changed that much. I think it's because 2020 was supposed to be a year of hope, a year where we looked to removing the cheato. But even that, with Biden, is kind of soured. I am very tired of the current state of politics and press. I am tired that the cheato did so many things wrong, but his propaganda machines in the conservative media always find a way to blame someone else.

But I think the "unknown" is wearing on me and how this seems to continue to spotlight the worst humans. People who let their stupidity become violence. People who let their love of money make them do horrible thing and the "Haves" going out of their way to take from the "have nots."

Crossfit workouts have become all small dumbbell (because I don't own anything bigger) and body weight stuff, so I'm not getting my feeling of power from moving weight around. They did lend me a bar and some plates, so I gratefully have a barbell to play with, but since I can only go up to 125, it means I'm forced to work on those movements I don't do well (snatch, clean, overhead squat.) And I do need to work on them, desperately, but that doesn't generate accomplishment brain-chemistry.

Taekwondo has taken to teaching on line, and I'm finding it fun, but also very stressful. It's so hard to teach people when they might crash into a piece of furniture at any moment and when you're not really sure how left and right works, because your camera is mirrored, but you're supposed to be doing mirrored (which I haven't practiced that much, so I'm not confident I'm doing it right.) Then add in any technical difficulties. (I had zoom tell me it was the wrong password until I reinstalled zoom, my tablet's screen is failing again. Thank goodness I have so many computers.)

The best part of all this is I've gotten to play some really amazing board games online with good people. I've really enjoyed Tzolk'in, Hanabi, and Ghost Stories and we just started Gloomhaven. We struggled a bit both with the online game interface (it turned a card into a double backed card inexplicably) and getting our bearings, but I really really like it and look forward to its campaign nature.

The mixed part is I've gotten a chance to work on some movements that I hadn't been making time for . I did get back up into a handstand for the first time since my back got inflamed, which made me happy, but it takes me ~25 tries, and it's a bit of fear thing and I'm frustrated that I don't seem to be getting better. I've been trying to work on my overhead squat depth, but I have this gap. 20lbs, no problem, nice and deep. 35lbs, I can't even get parallel. (keep in mind, I can front squat a lot more.) I can't figured out how to get those in between weights. I can't really work on a snatch until I have the OH squat. There's also a gap in the weights right about where I need to work on my clean. I can clean 95lbs, no problem. I struggle with 115lbs. The plate math means there's no in between. I've been working on my pull up too, but the progress there is sloth-like, except I'm pretty sure a sloth can do pull ups better than me. I should also try working on my box jumps and my double unders, but I've not had the cycles. I am having fun posting things to my Instagram inspiration account, but even the plan for that is a reminder of what's going on.

Which is the main problem. I've been feeling tired and drained this whole time and I don't really know why. I have very little will to do things that aren't video games.

I hope people are doing well.

Comments

[coraline]

it turns out living through global trauma and uncertainty is REALLY EXHAUSTING. your certainty is undermined at a way lower level of maslow's heirarchy than most of us are privileged to live at usually.
I've mostly only been able to do things that turn my brain off too :(