one level up?

[forgotten_aria]

A few days ago I awoke missing taiko horribly. Feeling the desperate need to belong again.

More recently I woke up and watched a video and thought maybe the youtube monetization changes were a good thing, because maybe I could make music because I wanted to and share it without the carrot and if I could, there would be fewer people to compete with. Basically if I could do it for love, then it wouldn't matter beyond that. An active audience would still be nice, but I could stand on my own.

Then, a moment ago, I had my "someone is excluding me without telling me what I did" button pressed and I feel down a deep abyss.

So to go one level up, I wonder why this is such a hard thing for me to shake. I know humans are social animals, but I'm not entirely alone. Why are so many people, not just me, so desperate to belong and is our society failing us? Is the fact that we no longer live in small villages or large families the problem, or is this just a problem since the start of time, a need that moves the species forward but sometimes hurts the individual?

I've seen other friends crippled by the cycle. Being lonely makes you desperate which turns people off, which makes you more isolated and desperate. I need to break from this some how. If I were still seeing my therapist, this would be a perfect thing to talk about.

Why also does TKD and SoH not make me feel like I belong. There's something more I need to get that feeling.

Sorry if this is too navel gazing. It's helping me take that step back.

EDIT: Kids have all these clubs and groups and events. I wish there was more of that for adults.

Comments

[jadia]

Part of this is american culture idolizing independence and isolation. I was talking with 2 friends, one who grew up in Basque and the other who spent summers near Prague with her extended family. They were both saying how in the US it was just assumed everyone would be doing things in couples, or groups of couples, but growing up in europe you had a group of friends and you all just did stuff with everyone. I thought it was really interesting.

[desireearmfeldt]

Well, if almost everyone is coupled, a group of friends also looks like a group of couples.

I know folks who still seem to do things in groups of friends more often than not. I've never quite managed to become part of the inner core of any group myself, so I do things in groups but often feel like I only get invited to large-group things and don't have a coherent small group to invite to things I initiate.

[desireearmfeldt]

There are lots of groups and events for adults. Finding the ones you want, though, is hard, especially if you're not doing it by following your friends to groups they recommend. :/

[jadia]

I think it is also harder as an adult to break through the "we are not friends" to the "we are friends" point. I don't know why...i feel like there is also a culture of "busyness", and the "avoid looking desperate" thing that cat mentioned. Like people don't want to seem to want friends and so it is harder to reach out and make friends. Maybe? Not sure

[mathhobbit]

Small villages and large families don't fix the problem -- I've felt excluded from both.

I know what you mean, and I don't have any answers.

[forgotten_aria]

Well as a very young kid I made friend on trips easily because being a "friend" was "do you want to play together?" "sure" and the friend was made.

Now, at TKD, there are many pleasant people who are happy to greet me and I really like them, but I don't really consider any of them my friends, because I'd never do anything OTHER than TKD with them.

[forgotten_aria]

I have the added problem that I've been excluded so much in my life, I don't like joining groups that exclude for reasons other than interest and effort. (gender, age, etc.) That makes the set of groups even harder.

[desireearmfeldt]

I do think there's some of that. On the other hand, in college I felt like I usually had to be the one to invite people over that boundary, e.g., by inviting them to do a one-on-one thing.

[desireearmfeldt]

Come to think of it, I think at some point you guys fell off the list of people for whom I have up to date email addresses and remember to invite to parties, but not for any good reason. :(

I should fix that.

[kareid]

I definitely find it hard to break through from feeling like acquaintances to feeling like friends with new people. I've heard that people often need some kind of shared difficult experience to push through that, and this is why it can be harder as an adult, since we have fewer of those experiences.

[jadia]

It definitely feels harder as an adult to do that, though i don't know why it should be.