one level up?

[forgotten_aria]

A few days ago I awoke missing taiko horribly. Feeling the desperate need to belong again.

More recently I woke up and watched a video and thought maybe the youtube monetization changes were a good thing, because maybe I could make music because I wanted to and share it without the carrot and if I could, there would be fewer people to compete with. Basically if I could do it for love, then it wouldn't matter beyond that. An active audience would still be nice, but I could stand on my own.

Then, a moment ago, I had my "someone is excluding me without telling me what I did" button pressed and I feel down a deep abyss.

So to go one level up, I wonder why this is such a hard thing for me to shake. I know humans are social animals, but I'm not entirely alone. Why are so many people, not just me, so desperate to belong and is our society failing us? Is the fact that we no longer live in small villages or large families the problem, or is this just a problem since the start of time, a need that moves the species forward but sometimes hurts the individual?

I've seen other friends crippled by the cycle. Being lonely makes you desperate which turns people off, which makes you more isolated and desperate. I need to break from this some how. If I were still seeing my therapist, this would be a perfect thing to talk about.

Why also does TKD and SoH not make me feel like I belong. There's something more I need to get that feeling.

Sorry if this is too navel gazing. It's helping me take that step back.

EDIT: Kids have all these clubs and groups and events. I wish there was more of that for adults.