Socially defined defeat

The last few years I've been trying to focus on exercising and eating good foods because it will make me feel better, stronger, and more able and not because it has any chance to help me lose weight. I've been doing ok at that, not getting too bothered by times when my fat makes it so very obvious it's there (like when I'm doing a roundhouse, back hook in the air and my fat makes this slapping sound when I land.) Part of this is that the people at TKD are very good at not judging people and my master can see my strength, beyond my weight.

But the social programming runs deep and when I decided to finally get rid of my size 16 and lower pants (and even some smaller 18s) it hit me kind of hard. Like I was "giving up" on the quest to be that size again.

I want to be smaller, but I want to do so in a way that is sustainable and good for my mental health and so far I haven't found that.

It's weird how hard it hit me and reminds me how not ok I am with being fat, even though I try to be.

Hating yourself is so unhealthy, however, so I'll try to get back to my place of complacent disregard.